So many layers of the proverbial self-awareness onion had been peeled back in my life. Silly me, I honestly thought I’d dealt with all the main core misbeliefs.
But one morning I discovered another. Inadvertently I dropped into the thought, the place within my mind, where I believed I was not wanted. As a baby. This place within me was young. It was early in my life. It knew my mother had at best mixed feelings about her first pregnancy. She had not had much of an example of what a good mother was. She loved my father, and she did not want their happy life to be interrupted so soon. My father was delighted about my appearance, which caused my mother angst and jealously, even if she would not admit it. My grandfather wanted a boy. Maybe my mother did too. Who knows? As a newborn I refused to nurse. After me, my mother nursed all four of my siblings.
The day I dropped into this room in my soul, it was very dark. The energy of “I am not wanted” was dense. It is, as Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith calls, congealed thought forms. This misbelief had woven a pattern you can see on the tapestry of my life in many ways, professionally, personally, all of it. A core pattern, like a prism through which light passes, is not discriminatory. It is democratic. It shines its pattern equally and without question, manifesting results on all of your life.
Stepping into this soul room took my breath away. I could feel the density of this sadness at the core of my being. My sweet, beautiful, joyful little baby self had not felt wanted. This is not a blaming session of me, my mother, father or family. There is not blame here. There is only discovery. If we are working in the garden, and we unearth a big chunk of weed we know will grow back, do we blame the remaining weed root for striving to live? No. If we do, it is wasted energy. What is a constructive response? Carefully unearth all the parts of the unwanted to clear the way for what we do want to grow.
In our souls, this process unfortunately is not usually as easy as the weed rooted in the yard. But it is no less satisfying. Once we really see what we have thought about ourselves we can begin to heal. We can begin to move the energy in our brain that has reinforced this thought pattern literally in the form of synapses, to a new pattern. Like the garden this will take a concerted, steady, patient process. If we truly want to experience something different, we can give our magnificent brains new programming, upload a new file. Keep calling on the new code to activate itself in our lives.
In my case, the first step was to immediately say to that part of myself, I am wanted. I am wanted. I am wanted. I am wanted. Over and over again. I am wanted. A new mantra. New energy flowing to that which I wish to bloom in my life. A life of being wanted. Of being at choice. Of manifesting community, contribution and love flowing from the basic knowingness in my soul of the truth of being wanted.
What is the basis of this knowingness that you and I are wanted? This is not personal to our families, our parents, our communities. This is existential. The Universe, Life with a capital L, made us. We have Life Energy within us. We are like the sun rays, part of the scope and expression of the sun. We are like the wave of the ocean of Life that expresses itself in joy as it moves out upon the sand to caress another part of its creation. We are born in and of joy. We blossom when we tap into that which is inherently within us as us.
How could we not be wanted? We are here. Of the millions and billions of combinations that are filtered out so we can be here…we are here.
No matter what circumstances surround your early life, you are still wanted. If those circumstances, and the energetic milieu in which you were born were not life affirming, you incorporated some or all of that into your early energetic belief systems. You could not help yourself. You were little, fresh, new from inception. From inception you absorbed this information on some level.
Does that mean we leave the weed root in the garden? Do we surrender to the density of misbeliefs we are carrying around like baggage in our beautiful souls? No, we don’t. If we want to continue to grow and we want to get in touch with our inherent beauty and bloom from the most authentic source within ourselves we have to be brave. We have to unearth the beliefs that do not serve us, reprogram our thinking with love and attention with thoughts and visions of what we do want to experience, and be patient. Be loving, kind and compassionate with ourselves. This is a process. A journey of tapping into a beauty more resplendent than we could ever image. The beauty of Life, expressing in and as us.
Like gardening it will take time, attention and care. You deserve it. You are wanted.
In the stillness of your quiet time, patiently and with love ask yourself is there a part of yourself that does not feel wanted. Just allow the space for the question. No need to rush an answer or put a demand upon yourself. Being with it and allowing the lushness of your own self-care to emerge is enough.
If you find yourself entering into a place within that answers affirmatively, go into dialogue with it. See if you can allow it to be and listen to what it has to say about not feeling wanted. Give yourself permission to be with this part of yourself without having to rush to fix it.
Send it love. Acknowledge that this part of yourself is surrounded by the soft glow of love. Thank it for being of service to you, for all that part was really trying to do was protect you. Give it permission to lay down this burden of unwantedness and to take up a new assignment. This new assignment is to help you discover your value. How much the universe really wants you, how much you are beloved of it.
Give yourself permission to go back over and over again to affirm that you are wanted until you feel the shift from deep within. You are the beloved of the Beloved One Life. Look into the mirror of your soul and decide you will feed the energy of your belovedness. Practice until you feel this resonance so deeply in your being that you walk as one who is wanted, whose life has value, who is part and parcel to the blooming and beauty of all life. Embody this tone. Allow it to gracefully guide you to changing the frequency of any area of your life that was created from the unwanted thought pattern. You are not doing here. You are allowing and following your guidance. Life has used your willingness for self-awareness to unearth a part of you that is not serving you. It will grace your letting go of anything built on the false and shifting sand of misbelief, to build solid on the ground of authenticity.
I am wanted. I am wanted. I am indeed and gloriously wanted by the Life that created me. It is me and I am It. I am beautiful.